I will take the hardest path..

i need to do this. i am sorry. if i am ever going to get over you unless you dun want me to get over you. my heart is in such emptiness. it wants you back but i have decided that i will respect your decision. we have ended.. my heart now needs to learn to live without you. best way to do that.. ripped it out. means totally have no thoughts, no contact with you. it will hurt like hell but if thats what you want.. this is what i must do. so everyone, let me be a heartless bastrad for a while ok ? i am sorry.. it will take a long time but i will be back to that nice guy after i am healed till then guess devil will not need to have heart to anyone.

it will hurt like hell but i will still wear a smile. i am happy that you accepted me, gratful for all the times we spent together in our short time. still feel your small hand in mine, still taste a little of honey but guess time will make it fade. either that or the pain will make me totally numb.

i took a huge risk showing my nice side to someone. normally people have to find it on their own but i beared it out to you.
i guess i took the first step of this cliff, going to lock myself away in my darkness. till someone finds my key..

Someone stab me, it will make me feel better..

i thought i found a wall that i could climb to reach that light that shines from you. seems like.. i slipped off. back into this darkness, this loneliness. my life is in a total mess. i total lost control when i slipped off. its like a HUGE part of my life just got ripped out of me by force. freaking hurts like hell. Someone stab me, it for sure will make me feel better. life right now, is void of all emotion. i seem like i am laughing, i seem like i am ethu but theres nothing under this sheet. a ghost in a shell i guess.

dun worry, if you read this. i know it will hurt. i said i will take it and i mean EVERY SINGLE WORD i said to you. you take your time, tell me when you are really ready to talk. you know where to find me. i will be locked up in my emptiness and sorrow and my shell will be thorny and hurting to whoever that comes near. guess thats why everyone thinks i am a bastrad cos i take so long to get over a person.

i dun care what the world thinks. what matters is what you and i think. i want you to be happy everyday. you had fun today, guess i should be happy. i will be once i get my feelings back. nothing is more important than you being happy, if it makes you happy. i will accept any decision you make, i have made mine.

please stay happy and well, so i wont worry so much about you.
its not if you can take care of yourself..
its how much you mean to me..

This is a new level of Fucked up..

wahts wrong with me ?? you say you didnt like the way i acted but i always act the same way. i am myself. i thought you accepted that..

you really made me feel like shit today. thanks for being cold when i needed warmth. i dun know what to say. maybe i should go to sleep and jsut wake up tmr.. am i doing this wrong ?? have i treated you too well till you have forgotten that i take all this pain from you daily ?? i want this to last..

Eh.. no hangover ??

funny funny.. no hangover ?? hmm.. means i didnt actually get that high.

THIS IS A BLOODY THANK YOU POST TO LEE, KENNETH AND THE OTHER GUYS..
dudes.. thanks man.. freaking fun !! esp after i met baby.. HAHA.. we buried her in the sand HAHA.. though she got no extra clothes, sorry baby :) will post the pics when i get them from lee. and he has my frisbees damm i think i need to get it from him for monday.

Chill...

ya.. sorry about the previous post. i know i was pissed and stuff. but had to get that out.

now.. i feel great. had my dinner, got my senses smacked back by jana's reasoning. thanks gal.

i realised.. i shouldnt be thinking of what went wrong but instead.. how to make things better !!

but it hard la.. i got my reasons, they got theirs. its a game of give and take. i know about the irresponsiblity. hai~ but.. argh..

nvm. we are not in the teams i am used to anymore. we cant screw people upside down anymore. and there are different levels. and different groups within the teams that play by different rules. i need to change and adopt to this new stuff but i can do this. i will prove to be better than i am. or... something else ?? :)

thats right.. keep up the smiles :) being upset never solved anything. for the better at least :)

A weird turn of events..

damm the day was damm fun man.. but. ya.. it got screwed.. guess it was our fault too.. ya.. it takes 2 hands to clap. we got our part too..

this is totally weird.. ok.. i am in the SUB com of the SBM (school of Business Management) club. and this club is suppose to represent the people of SBM right ?? we are suppose to be leaders for the people in SBM. we are suppose to lead by example, we are suppose to be ON, to be up for the challenage.

but.. what i saw today. everyone was just followers.. follow what other people say. ok chris told me to bring a frisbee, a football and a beach mat. ok.. i did that.

the first thing that got on my nerves was.. everyone was late. at 12 (which was the meeting time) only what me, zhi wei, chris and elizabeth were there. i mean WTH la. FROM THAT I LEARN IN SEC SCHOOL WAS FIRST THING ABOUT LEADERSHIP IS RESPONSABILTY. if you cant be even on time, you think people will respect you ?? man, i played mahjong till late last night but i make an effort to come 30 mins early cos i knew i might be late if i dun but at 12 who do i see ?? argh.. and they still tell us we need to learn to be efficent in LTC.. learn to be on time ??

second thing.. argh.. i serious what never seen people organise a beach outing and sit in the shade. isnt the beach about the sun, the sand, the sea and the fun ?? argh.. totally dun get it. if we were just going to play cards and sit around and chill. why not have a BBQ ?? wont that be prefect ?? i bet noone has any problems with that.. i doubt even if they did, they will say.

third thing.. we got high, keep in mind not drunk. cos i cant tell you everything that happened in order even backwards. we were high and lee and john were not even high plus we had eve there. basically there were 2 high guys and 2 people looking after them and i can hear someone tell john that they cant trust us ?? whats up with that ?? argh..

fourth thing.. i feel really sad about this point man. when the 5 guys were playing in the day. we were playing mind you. beach games like volley ball, soccer and frisbee. NOONE joined us. we asked around but some people treated us like we were the wind.. WTH..

fifth thing.. in my sec school, we had like 10 instructors for 300 plus students means like 1 instrustor had to take care of 30 students. we could all take care of them, have fun with them and BOND with them. 1 instructor BOND with 30 students. why could this happen ? cos people were willing. some of us smoked, others like me drink and partied but noone looked down on us, noone rejected our ways, NOONE OUTCASTED. 300 STUDENTS THANKED US FOR BEING THEIR BROTHERS AT THE END. now.. i dun know about you people but today, i saw john being left out, i saw kenneth only had lee to talk to. people were being outcasted. isnt this outing suppose to be for bonding ?? ISNT NO MAN SUPPOSE TO BE LEFT BEHIND ?? i feel damm weird now.. if this was my group, i would personally screw everybody, like they way we are suppose to know where all our groupmates were in LTC. isnt that what WE LEARNT ? or have we learnt nothing ??

ALL THIS IS FROM WHAT I LEARN FROM MY 2 LTCs. leadership, its not about leading blindly. its about leading your group, about serving your group. how so ? your group needs a leader so you step up, you lead, you represent your people. but what this ?? are all leader suppose to cover their own asses ? or do we take shit and stick together through thick and thin ?? i know i will stick.. though i disliked people from day one but i accept them for who they are and i work with them. if this "drunkard" can do that, why cant you ?? or are you saying i am better than you ?? arent i suppose to be equal ?? so you do the same !!

think about it, do i make sense ?? i am saying out what i learn in my LTC. i have been an instructor before. i have been a head of a WHOLE camp. i know.. its hard but still noone gets leftout..

one for all, all for one..
or do you all jsut want to be your "all" ??
if you do, i got nothing to say..

Priorities...

work is work, life is life
work has to carry on no matter what life throws at you
just bear with it

Message he hopes you see..

the devil will be waiting. all Christmas has to do is to look for him. he was born in hell, so he can survive this. but Christmas.. he hope you get this.

"take your time, dun rush. settle your things. make sure you are really ready. no point caring what the world thinks, cos i never did the only thing that matter is what we think. i will be right here waiting."

now devil got 2 choices, close up from the world and disappear ?? or carry on as nothing has happened.. both are hard roads in their own way but then again he is the master of the hidden face..

Walk with me..

have you ever seen a person who reminds you alot of your old self ?? well i have.. zhi wei reminds me of when i was an super introvert during sec school but of cos he si much better than i was..

well.. i will help him in anway i can. feel i am able to relate to him i guess. dumb little ass he is.. HAHA.. but he is nice la. so dude dun worry ok ?? i got you counted in already.. you are in my VIp list.

walk with me and not be scared. i know the road is tough sometimes but trust in yourself. you have the ability or you wont have been choosen. i know my ways are a little weird and a little wrong but people got to understand both sides of everything to understand the whole situation. i am not like those who like to judge others jsut from where they are standing. i will be behind you and infront of you.

serve to lead..
lead to serve..
best way to lead is by example..

be self-less to your clique, be selfish for your clique..
only thing that matters is that your clique stays up..
other than that.. screw the rest of the world..

this feels like old times...

Everybody dance now..

where is clorine !! MIA !!

part of BUGGERS

In the middle..

in the middle of St Andrew's road, i ripped my heart out. had my tongue cut off and my arm turned into a flag. but i was totally enjoying it..

Ticks..

christmas is pissed at friends and its not easy for the devil too.. cos he has to leave her alone to cool down. he understands that there is not much he can do for her, except to give her space. So christmas.. chill ok ?? be safe so devil doesnt need to worry for you. cos he is upset that you are not happy and people bully you..

Heading into the past..

guess its decided. The return to that dark period. of corruption, of music and of arguments between the angel and the devil.

yesterday was fun. not going to say much about it cos its mostly a blur. basically we went to sakae and had a blast. after which, went to catch a movie then afew of them came over to my place. almost every group had a representative, only forgot about group 8.

head's spinning. totally confused. totally off my usual self. seems like he has control now. seems like things are going to happen the same way again.. but will it ?? pray for a mircale.. cos.. they seem so alike.. why does this always happen ?? the one angel likes always is too good but the devil likes the easy hooks which are not bad either. devil is an ass man.. HAHA.. going to respect notes decision cos its happening the way angel doesnt want things to. everyone just wants to have fun right ?? ya.. right.. fun.. let jsut not go pass the line again.. Christmas is jsut at my side already, devil knows that if he pops the qn, Christmas should say yes or ok. but the thing is.. the times spent is still so short. its like not even the 12th day of christmas yet. things are really hard for the devil too, maybe part of angel got to him ?? who knows ??

angel says : i respect your decision, i know we all want to jsut have fun everyday.

devil says : LETS HAVE FUN.. got to get more drinks !!

shilong says : weird eh ?? HAHA.. what a fun life.

LTC's over...