today was kinda fun..

its my first happy post after the whole thing.

i.. got promoted recently. have to wait for next month to get the money.

i am scared, am i getting over you ??

i guess distractions do help..

i still miss you so much

and i still dream about us but i know its against the odds.

hey god..

i dun know what to do..

every part of me still believes that she will come back.

i dreamt of her as my wife..

is it meant to be ??

i am trying really hard to lose weight.

i am so willing to wait..

i hope she is doing well

god, take care of her alright ??

i love you..

message..

as difficult as it may be, if you find yourself in a negative non supportive environment, do your best to not allow it to affect your self-esteem, to diminish how you think of yourself. dont allow the environment to poison your principles, preparation, perseverance or your persuit of happiness

sender : teo huan song
sent : 25- feb - 2010 18:20:48

hold me now..

i'm 6 feet from the edge and i'm thinking..

maybe 6 feet, is so far down..

changed..

i have changed, i am no player, no ass hole, no hater..

i am not returning to that side..

she gave me something better and i guess i should continue like this.

i believe in this good she gave me.

some how.. a part of me will never move on, forever waiting for her..

no matter what my body does, my heart seems different.

i will change more of me..

i am, not shi long or any other name no more

i am just slow..

i am leaving my past yet waiting for it to come back..

hold me now, dear god..

my live in your hands..


hey world.. slow is taking a break from girls.
only friends and brothers are allowed in. tell the rest.
theres too much i have to support

god this is bad..

dear god, why do you do this to good people ??

why do good people get tested so much ??

dherajy is having such a hard time. i am having such a hard time.

cant you jsut give us a break ??

god i dreamt about her again. its so tiring.. i.. have been told to move on. but i dun know why i cant, i prefer to just wait here. some say its cos i dun believe in love anymore but i dun think so. maybe its cos i believe so much that we are meant to be. only time will tell, god i want to hear her voice so much. keeping myself busy is tiring me out. my legs cant really take much more.

if we ever meet again, i will never be the same..

all i want now is a embrace..

either break my heart totally or heal it with thy hands..

i still do stupid things like pray to god for her safety and health..

i... miss her so much.

god i miss her..

yes god, i miss her alot, so much that i have to keep myself busy with mahjong.
i have been winning so its ok. so far 40 dollars ??

i will be alright, i will be great. too bad, audrey is flying off, she was alot of fun that day. remember that if we are meant to be then we will be together again. i kinda understand "i love you"more now

what could have been...

hey god, it would be our 1 year and 6 months today. god i really miss her today.. i jsut couldnt do anything right. my work is screwed.. audit is tmr.

but god i got to thank you for afew things..
thanks for making me so busy that i cant even think
thanks for showing me who are the ones standing by me
thanks for the deep cut on my hand.
its small but deep. just like the cut in my heart. the pain made me feel better. dorcas says that physical pain helps relieve the mental pain. cos you can actually feel it and cry out cos its there. i felt so relieved as i saw the blood flow out, the overwhelming pain helped. it made me forget about the wound in my heart. i know it sounds crazy but i like it. i wont do anything like that on purpose but i guess god is just trying to ease my pain a little. losing all that blood, it helped clear my head for a while at least. i could think, i could work faster when the pain was there.

i am turning crazy, now i know what it means to be "an addict without an addiction"
god i miss her so much
everyone says she is never coming back..
i know that but..
i.. i... i still love her with all my heart..
though she will never know..
god its in your hands..

i might post the pictures of the cut i got later i cant seem to upload it to my com

the right thing to do..

i am going to build walls around me so thick that noone will know what i am really feeling. i am going to.. run away. to somewhere in my mind so far that the pain cant reach me. let the auto pilot do the work, he's better anyway..

seems like time is rewinding, friends dun stay anymore. noone is really true other than the few. i cant trust anyone, cant believe anyone, there is no way out but in..

but this time..
i.. wont let myself do things the wrong way.
i.. have never love someone so much in my entire life.
i.. wont let this light you shined on me be lost.
i.. actually cant move on.
i.. just want to hide.

god.. what should i do ??

i picked the wrong friends and i am paying for it..

i should just get rid of them huh..

start all over again from scratch.

the ones that matter will come back

hello..

i dun know who is reading this but i thank you

sorry.. everything is in pieces. i am trying my very best to keep it all together but sometimes i just fall down again. faking a smile, faking a life.. believing in things that i dun believe.

i hate all this.. i.. nvm.. i respect your choice..

i talked to her mum that day. her mum still wanted to be friends with me. she says i will make a good husband ( i cant even be a good boyfriend who cares about husband) kinda weird.. i.. dun know.. i just dun know anymore..

i dun know how long i am going to keep running, how long i am keep going to bluff myself that i am happy, how long i can keep this act up.. i need a break from life.

i realised, i have very few true friends.. all those who i thought were true, where are you now?? you care ?? you will always be there?? lies.. i even have one fucker saying that he will go clubbing with her. that it, none of you are real. so just get out of my life.

i am alone anyway so i might as well be.. the world stands for nothing. we will all burn in the depths of hell. very fucking CB.. just wanna scream !!

rage, anger, violence, sadness, confusion, memories, pain, numbness
in a mixture of paradoxes and lies
in my emptiness..