i reflected.. i feel that for the last year, i was operating on autopilot. without my emotions. that night.. the box, that i hid my emotions in, broke and i was flooded. the waters have subsided and my brain is at a calm again. i can think more properly now. i can feel the past coming back. i will be back soon.
well, when i msged her. i took a chance. i was turned down. as i told jean, no amount of love can bring back someone who doesnt want to come back. well, i guess that was it.. i give up on my dream and time to grow up and be realistic again. part of me is really disappointed but i guess god does hate me.
focus.. there are goals to be achieved. time to be SLOW not shi long. emotions are good but i have responsiblities to take care of now. atonement started a long time ago but i got to work harder now. i leave everything to fate..
i know i miss her and i still went to read her blog. stupid move.. but it explains the dreams.. why do i love all her bad traits like they were her best ?? someone slap me.. or kill me.. this is too much to handle !!!
its been a month. i have avoided coming back here cos.. well.. you know..
argh.. confusion stirs my thoughts. i wana be the best again. i am under alot of pressure and i guess i got to soak it up. work hard !!!
i feel very lost.. i used to work so hard for someone. thus no matter how hard i had to fight for something or how much hours i had to put in, it was worth it. just to see her smile. there was always a future in the distance.
now ?? i dun even know why i am still trying.. for myself ?? for my goals ?? i guess.. but whats after that ?? its days like this i miss your hugs and smiles..
but i guess its not meant to be.. smile because it happened that's what i tell myself. enough tears had been shed..
